Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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