Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize