Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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