I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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