I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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