I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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