He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
