One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Randomize
