i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
