worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
