so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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