So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
