I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
