why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
