Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Every concussion has its silver lining
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
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