my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
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