I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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