just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
