Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
