Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
