he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
