Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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