Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
