He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
