I haven't been this sober since birth.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
