I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
