I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You have to summon your inner elephant
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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