First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
