really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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