I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
