Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
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