I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
