I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
