Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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