Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
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