if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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