Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
