Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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