i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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