Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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