this just has baby written all over it
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
