I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
