it wasn't lemon gatorade
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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