My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
