I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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