She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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