I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Randomize
