I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
