dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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