I cut my penus on the lid.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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