what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
