what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
