can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
