all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Randomize
