wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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