I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
