Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
