sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
you had me at cake vodka
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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