It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Just high enough for therapy.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
